We’ve seen how the Transformers toys have transformed themselves into a mega blockbuster franchise. We’ve witnessed the board game favorite Battleship converted into a film thriller. Now we’re preparing to see Hasbro’s latest foray into the Hollywood toy box. The toy manufacturer is teaming up to produce a big-screen version of the adventures of Jem and the Holograms.

We’ve seen how the Transformers toys have transformed themselves into a mega blockbuster franchise. We’ve witnessed the board game favorite Battleship converted into a film thriller. Now we’re preparing to see Hasbro’s latest foray into the Hollywood toy box. The toy manufacturer is teaming up to produce a big-screen version of the adventures of Jem and the Holograms.

For anyone who might have skipped the 1980s—you were either too busy buying Spandex or shopping for a “power suit”—Jem and the Holograms was an animated series (fancy verbiage for “cartoon”) about a female rock-and-roll star who had a secret identity and a penchant for being attacked and sabotaged in her wheelhouse. It was an example of “female empowerment” drawn for the preteen set—even though Jem could kick butt, and she was called on to fight a bevy of musical villains, she always looked spectacular doing it.

Now, with the announcement of the movie being kickstarted, it’s time to look at the dolls that comprised the rock band and see who should play who. http://integritytoys.com/jemandtheholograms/collection-hollywood-jem.php

The role of Jem herself has been loudly requested by Kelly Osbourne. Kelly became a household four-letter word on the MTV reality-show “The Osbournes.” Known for their salty language, and their familial devotion, Kelly and her family made rock-and-roll royalty seem relatable and raunchy. Jem is a pink-haired pop princess, and . . . well, Kelly is a real-life pink-haired pop princess. If looks alone are required, Kelly has the inside track!

Justin Bieber’s manager, Scooter Braun, is one of the co-producers of the anticipated live-action movie. Perhaps as a way to reform his client’s image, Braun will cast Justin in a starring role. If the petulant pop star seems too unreliable for a starring part, maybe the “Bieb” will make a cameo appearance. Look for him to pop up somewhere in the final creation.

Jem’s primary foe is an unscrupulous music producer who is willing to stop at nothing to push his latest discoveries—an all female band called The Misfits—to the top of the record charts. Jem, who is actually a corporate music executive named Jerrica Benton, has to fight this music producer in the recording studios and sometimes even on the street, in back alleys and on tenement roofs. Eric Raymond is a power-hungry bad guy. He wants to seize total control of Jem/Jerrica’s company, Starlight Music, and also to steal her late father’s hologram invention—SYNERGY.

Are you overwhelmed enough at this point? Do you need more info to prove that this is an absolutely outlandish premise? Like the cartoon’s theme song stated, “This is Truly Outrageous.” And it is!
For Eric Raymond—oh, too bad we can’t turn back the hands of time. But maybe good makeup and a forgiving camera lens would be able to make Eric Roberts the ideal casting choice for Eric Raymond. Never mind the matching first names, and the last names that both begin with an R, but Eric Roberts was born to play driven, manipulative, morally bankrupt, and financially greedy men.

For Jerrica’s musically talented sister, Kimber Benton, which Disney or Nickelodeon star is looking to ink a movie contract? Paging Selena Gomez or Miranda Cosgrove or Debby Ryan! One of these ladies would be perfect for the singing sidekick.

If the Jem and the Holograms flick becomes a success, what other toy property is going to see a screen incarnation? Mr. Potato Head already had a nice, juicy recurring part in the TOY STORY franchise. So, what doll or game do you think should make the leap into a live-action screenplay?

I think the board game Mystery Date can open up a slew of possibilities. It can become a comedic romp—which cut-up is behind the door for hapless Amanda Seyfried to date? Is it Seth Rogen, Seth Green, Justin Long, or Justin Timberlake? (Let’s throw in Justin Bieber, too, if the film is produced by his manager.) Conversely, Mystery Date can be a slasher movie. The poor heroine shouldn’t open up that door if she knows what’s good for her. Who knows what maniac or maniacs is lurking behind that forbidden portal?

Yes, the lineup of games and dolls that can become a movie is endless. With all the anxiety being promoted by Obamacare, why not Operation: The Movie? The time is right for that game to launch, and wouldn’t John C. Reilly be perfect for the sad-sack patient? Or, what about the Cabbage Patch Kids starring in a screenplay that combines the sweeping musical majesty of “Dreamgirls” with the Disco Era fashions of “American Hustle”? The CPKs debuted in 1978, and the Abscam sting that dominates “American Hustle” began in 1978. So, wouldn’t a film combining the Kids’ history, their era’s wardrobe, and a really intense musical score add up to box-office gold?

I can hear it now. One of the Cabbage Patch Kids belting out the bellowing, heart-wrenching anthem, “And I’m Telling You, I’m Not Going . . . to Be Bought for Christmas.”

Wait a minute, I think I have a potential hit. Get that Bieber kid’s manager on the phone. Hasbro and Hollywood, here I come!